he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Panties = found
Randomize
