At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
