the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
