Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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