I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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