foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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