You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
