My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
