Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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