you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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