bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
