Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
