Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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