I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
