hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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