Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
