Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
