Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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