I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
