the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
