Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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