Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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