Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
