i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
