I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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