my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
