oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
