omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
