Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
