I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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