You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
