How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
