I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
