the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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