So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
