Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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