my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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