my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
