Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dicks are not precious.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
