Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
