I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry my hands just texted you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
