Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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