I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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