My underwear smells like fireworks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
