I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
