Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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