It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
