FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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