I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
