uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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