i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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