She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
