I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
