can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
