I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
