1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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