Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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