Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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