I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dick very happy bro
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
