Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
