I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
