something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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