I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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