I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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